“I swear on a bible I’m more libelous than you.”
Atwood: Anything you can writer I can writer better
Davies: I can write anything better than you
A: No you can’t
D: Yes I can
A: No you can’t
D: Yes I can
A: No you can’t
D: Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can
D: I’m in the papers a lot more than you are
A: I’ve got an image that’s better than yours
D: No you don’t
A: Yes I do
A: I can write an elegy
D: I can write a trilogy
A: I’ve got a better figure
D: But my figure’s bigger–
I can live on pen and ink–
A: With nothing to drink?
D: Yeah!
A: So, maybe you’ll shrink?
A: Any book you can sell I can sell faster,
D: I can sell faster and vaster than you
A: No you can’t
D: Yes I can
A: I can write it lyrical
D: I can be satirical
A: I can write it tragic
D: I can write it magic
A: I can tell a tale that’s weird
D: But can you grow a beard?
A: Not yet!
D: That’s what I feared.
A: Anything you can write I can write lower,
D: I can be learnedly coarser than you
A: I can swear
D: I can curse
A: I can do both in verse!
D: No you can’t
A: Yes I can, yes I can
D: I can write a mystery
Full of sex and history
A:. I can write it quicker,
And get even sicker,
D: I can wade in blood and gore
A:. All over the floor?
D: Shore! And come back for more!
A:. Hey, any word you can use I can use better
D: I can use bigger words better than you
A: Onomastic
D: Pleonastic
A: Semiotic
D: Idiotic
A: Post-moderne
D: Post-Post-moderne
A: Post-post-post-post-moderne
D: I know Freud’s organ jargon
A: Wee, I beg your pardon
D: I am an intellectual
A: I am self-reflexual
I can drop a name, it’s true
D: Roland Barthes too?
A: Yup.
D: Well, Foucault you!
A: Humph! Any old metaphor I can turn better
D: I can turn metaphor better than you
A: You’re a fox
D: You’re a cat
A: You’re a wolf!
D: Fancy that!
Yes I am, so I am, so I am!
A: Anything you can write I can write sweeter,
D: I can be more diabetic than you!
A: (sweetly) No you can’t
D: Yes I can
D: (whispered) Psst! Anyone you can libel, I can libel better
A: I swear on a bible I’m more libelous than you
D: Conrad White
A: Conrad Blue
D: Conrad Black
A: Conrad who?
Both: Yes we can. yes we can, yes we can!
(WILD APPLAUSE)
